If Teen Witch Wins, We All Win

Boy, teenage movies really stoop to the lowest forms of problem solving don't they? Can't get recognition? Disguise yourself as the opposite sex! Wreck your dad's Porche? Hire a prostitute! Can't get a date? Resort to black magic! If I've learned anything at all, it's to grow up as quickly as possible and avoid those pesky teenage years all together.

Louise is a smart, bookish young girl who finds herself repeatedly on the outskirts of popularity. That is, until she discovers at the tender age of 16 that she has inherited special dark powers of the witches of old. Louise is finally able to turn her luck around and gets a chance to become the ring leader of the in-crowd in this surprisingly musical-esque sprinkled teenage comedy.

You know who Louise reminds me of? Jamie Sullivan from A Walk to Remember. A bookish outsider with one tragic quality: Leukemia. Err, did I go too dark? Okay, you know else Louise reminds me of? Carrie. There... phew... Quirky teenage reference quickly mended.

Louise, Jaimie and Carrie all share vast similarities. Their outsiderness combined with their one killer instinct: their willingness to be themselves among an unforgiving crowd. Unfortunately for a few of them, (you know who you are) these stories turn out to be more tragic than one would've hoped.

Yet Louise struggles in many of the same ways that any teen comedy protagonist might find herself in. Her unforeseen identity, the dreamy ideals and the power that lay within. For Louise, the struggle is not in the getting what she wants but alas, it is discovering that it may not always be what you wanted. When her abilities in the area of the dark arts come alive, she finds herself quick to accept how easy it all was. Suddenly she's being picked up for school by the star football player, shaking her pom poms in the cheerleading squad and having her look copied by dozens of overzealous wannabe schoolmates. Do these people really find her as charming and as beautiful as she has conjured them into being? Does Brad really love her for her, or if he just under her spell?

Yet when Louise and Brad finally kiss, it's one of the hottest tongue-kissing scenes any 8 year old could ever get her grubby little hands on. Even watching it as a, (gulp!) almost 30 year old, I found my palms sweating. Get a good look at Brad's cut off sleeves? Hot.

While Louise is questioning her choice in blindly accepting her popularity, her odd friend and fellow witch, Madame Zelda is happy to step in to remind her that life is no picnic. She persuades her to consider that you may never know whether people are true in their feelings or not, and to accept this happiness even if it's false. Throughout the third act of the movie, you find yourself almost hoping that Louise will remember who she is and sprint as quickly as she can back to her former nerdy best friend. That surely Louise, being an intelligent and reasonably sensible gal, that she'll come to her senses and reveal the true message: It's best to be honest and true to yourself, for therein lies true happiness, (and all that malarkey).

Tragically, Louise chooses the opposite! She remains steadfast in her honest opposition and happily accepts the unknown. She never makes up with her best friend, she never tells anyone she's tricked them by sorcery, and she remains the most popular girl in school with her beloved Brad by her side.

And what, pray tell, are we as the nerdy underdogs, the fledgling viewers to take away from this message? Get into the dark arts. It's your only way out.

Why 80's Movies Are Scary as F*ck

Ever notice a clear difference in the way we enjoy film from the 80's and the way we enjoy it now? I mean, they just went for it back then. Drugs, sex, cursing, violence... All sense of PC-ness just went out the window.

I can remember watching Arachnophobia in Day Care. (1990, but you can see where I'm going with this.) I watched Weird Science at a Lock-In and even at that young age, I felt like I was doing something naughty. Watching movies from the 80's put some things into perspective about the differences between cinema of the 80's and cinema of today.

1) The Last Dragon: New York City was quite a different place back then. There is a clear lack of kidnapping and wandering into abandoned factories to have Ninja fights that is absent from the New York City we find ourselves in today.

2) Weird Science: High School students create a human from a computer.

3) Dirty Dancing: Illegal cabin abortions and the attempt to earn the respect of your father through the power of dance.

4) Just One of the Guys: Picnicking in abandoned caves at night. Students bringing snakes to school and a coach performing surprise jock strap checks.

5) The Explorers: Middle School students build a rocket ship to another planet and find aliens who enjoy watching television from the 40's.

6) The Peanut Butter Solution: Horrifying.

7) Goonies: A group of boys are chased underground until they find an abandoned pirate ship full of skeletons.

8) Heathers: Everybody dies.

9)Labyrinth: Goblins steal a girl's baby brother and she's forced to befriend trolls and brave the Bog of Eternal Stench while the Goblin King threatens her life. What?

10) Little Monsters: Underground worlds full of monsters lurk under every child's bed.

I don't know how we're all reasonably okay these days.

I Can't Laugh? Fine.

For a few years now, I kept hearing tale of a movie starring Matthew McConaughey that wasn't, (gasp!) riddled in irony. Tiptoes! You've heard it all before, it's that same old story... The classic tale of a man, a woman, a child in utero and the slow yet awkward reveal of his dwarf family. I know what you're thinking. How can this not be riddled in irony?

"When the going gets rough, it's only the size of your heart that counts." Seriously?! We can't laugh at this?

The only reason to watch this movie is for the irony, yet midway through the first act, you quickly realize there is none to be had. This movie has been intended for serious audience members only. And you know what? I'm irate! What age are we living in, that a movie starring McConaughey that has seemingly promised us ironic fodder is only attempting to probe the underbelly of a real issue??

I feel as though this probably started as a cute comedy yet as the writers dug deeper, they realized they didn't want to portray Little People as entertainment. Instead, they cast every working dwarf in Hollywood for completely useless roles to fill out what they hoped would be a central message. Little People are just like us, perhaps? When really, Tiptoes only proves that it's just more shocking to see a little person use to F word over and over again.

I'm not quite sure what the point of, say, Peter Dinklage's character was. Remember Station Agent? That other movie he was in that actually did challenge social stereotypes about dwarfs? Instead, Tiptoes has him pushing that envelope as a French Marxist lover boy, with spunky Patrica Arquette hanging off the back of his motorbike. The point? There is none. How about David Allen Grier and his two-line cameo, one of which taking place as he's caught with his pants down hooking up with Gary Oldman's dwarf girlfriend?

And yes... Gary Oldman is his proclaimed 'role of a lifetime.' The only thing slightly amazing about his role, is wondering how they got him to appear so little next to other actors. Gary Oldman, who played Drexl in True Romance. Gary Oldman, who played Lee Harvey Oswald. Gary Oldman, who played Sid Vicious! And this is his role of a lifetime? C'mon, Tiptoes... just admit it, you're ironic. You have to be ironic.


But no... Again and again, we're faced with heavy scenes that bring up sad issues of a painful childhood in dwarfism. But we're watching these lines come out of Matthew McConaughney's lips and thinking, "Can I laugh at this?" The answer is tragically no.

Supporting characters all seem to fizzle out with no real significance or meaning. All the while, Kate Beckinsale and McConaughney come nowhere near to the resolution you think they'll reach. I don't want to spoil it, but -- Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and spoil it: Beckinsale chooses Oldman in the end. AND THEN THE CREDITS ROLL.

For a movie that keeps telling me not to laugh, all I'm left with is anger over the fact that I can't laugh.