If Teen Witch Wins, We All Win

Boy, teenage movies really stoop to the lowest forms of problem solving don't they? Can't get recognition? Disguise yourself as the opposite sex! Wreck your dad's Porche? Hire a prostitute! Can't get a date? Resort to black magic! If I've learned anything at all, it's to grow up as quickly as possible and avoid those pesky teenage years all together.

Louise is a smart, bookish young girl who finds herself repeatedly on the outskirts of popularity. That is, until she discovers at the tender age of 16 that she has inherited special dark powers of the witches of old. Louise is finally able to turn her luck around and gets a chance to become the ring leader of the in-crowd in this surprisingly musical-esque sprinkled teenage comedy.

You know who Louise reminds me of? Jamie Sullivan from A Walk to Remember. A bookish outsider with one tragic quality: Leukemia. Err, did I go too dark? Okay, you know else Louise reminds me of? Carrie. There... phew... Quirky teenage reference quickly mended.

Louise, Jaimie and Carrie all share vast similarities. Their outsiderness combined with their one killer instinct: their willingness to be themselves among an unforgiving crowd. Unfortunately for a few of them, (you know who you are) these stories turn out to be more tragic than one would've hoped.

Yet Louise struggles in many of the same ways that any teen comedy protagonist might find herself in. Her unforeseen identity, the dreamy ideals and the power that lay within. For Louise, the struggle is not in the getting what she wants but alas, it is discovering that it may not always be what you wanted. When her abilities in the area of the dark arts come alive, she finds herself quick to accept how easy it all was. Suddenly she's being picked up for school by the star football player, shaking her pom poms in the cheerleading squad and having her look copied by dozens of overzealous wannabe schoolmates. Do these people really find her as charming and as beautiful as she has conjured them into being? Does Brad really love her for her, or if he just under her spell?

Yet when Louise and Brad finally kiss, it's one of the hottest tongue-kissing scenes any 8 year old could ever get her grubby little hands on. Even watching it as a, (gulp!) almost 30 year old, I found my palms sweating. Get a good look at Brad's cut off sleeves? Hot.

While Louise is questioning her choice in blindly accepting her popularity, her odd friend and fellow witch, Madame Zelda is happy to step in to remind her that life is no picnic. She persuades her to consider that you may never know whether people are true in their feelings or not, and to accept this happiness even if it's false. Throughout the third act of the movie, you find yourself almost hoping that Louise will remember who she is and sprint as quickly as she can back to her former nerdy best friend. That surely Louise, being an intelligent and reasonably sensible gal, that she'll come to her senses and reveal the true message: It's best to be honest and true to yourself, for therein lies true happiness, (and all that malarkey).

Tragically, Louise chooses the opposite! She remains steadfast in her honest opposition and happily accepts the unknown. She never makes up with her best friend, she never tells anyone she's tricked them by sorcery, and she remains the most popular girl in school with her beloved Brad by her side.

And what, pray tell, are we as the nerdy underdogs, the fledgling viewers to take away from this message? Get into the dark arts. It's your only way out.