I Can't Laugh? Fine.

For a few years now, I kept hearing tale of a movie starring Matthew McConaughey that wasn't, (gasp!) riddled in irony. Tiptoes! You've heard it all before, it's that same old story... The classic tale of a man, a woman, a child in utero and the slow yet awkward reveal of his dwarf family. I know what you're thinking. How can this not be riddled in irony?

"When the going gets rough, it's only the size of your heart that counts." Seriously?! We can't laugh at this?

The only reason to watch this movie is for the irony, yet midway through the first act, you quickly realize there is none to be had. This movie has been intended for serious audience members only. And you know what? I'm irate! What age are we living in, that a movie starring McConaughey that has seemingly promised us ironic fodder is only attempting to probe the underbelly of a real issue??

I feel as though this probably started as a cute comedy yet as the writers dug deeper, they realized they didn't want to portray Little People as entertainment. Instead, they cast every working dwarf in Hollywood for completely useless roles to fill out what they hoped would be a central message. Little People are just like us, perhaps? When really, Tiptoes only proves that it's just more shocking to see a little person use to F word over and over again.

I'm not quite sure what the point of, say, Peter Dinklage's character was. Remember Station Agent? That other movie he was in that actually did challenge social stereotypes about dwarfs? Instead, Tiptoes has him pushing that envelope as a French Marxist lover boy, with spunky Patrica Arquette hanging off the back of his motorbike. The point? There is none. How about David Allen Grier and his two-line cameo, one of which taking place as he's caught with his pants down hooking up with Gary Oldman's dwarf girlfriend?

And yes... Gary Oldman is his proclaimed 'role of a lifetime.' The only thing slightly amazing about his role, is wondering how they got him to appear so little next to other actors. Gary Oldman, who played Drexl in True Romance. Gary Oldman, who played Lee Harvey Oswald. Gary Oldman, who played Sid Vicious! And this is his role of a lifetime? C'mon, Tiptoes... just admit it, you're ironic. You have to be ironic.


But no... Again and again, we're faced with heavy scenes that bring up sad issues of a painful childhood in dwarfism. But we're watching these lines come out of Matthew McConaughney's lips and thinking, "Can I laugh at this?" The answer is tragically no.

Supporting characters all seem to fizzle out with no real significance or meaning. All the while, Kate Beckinsale and McConaughney come nowhere near to the resolution you think they'll reach. I don't want to spoil it, but -- Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and spoil it: Beckinsale chooses Oldman in the end. AND THEN THE CREDITS ROLL.

For a movie that keeps telling me not to laugh, all I'm left with is anger over the fact that I can't laugh.